Rib Cage Aching – Jahat?
aku jahat? yes.. maybe…
but this comes from a body that knows nothing of the true punishment that will come.
while my body live this sinful life… my brain and my heart always shouts “NO’ and “NO”. I regret to say… I am a sinner like most men that lives today. maybe only from what I had learned years ago that refrained me from falling further and further away. I thank my dad for such lesson given. while i pray not everyday for my parents. but still.. in the corner of time, I will pray for my mom and dad. I left my prayer leisurely, I led my eyes through and downwards when such a lovely women pass by. I blessed my leisure time without the need to enchant my thanks to God. yet I feel this deep fear. always. everytime I left my prayer. everytime I speak my rude tones to my mom. everytime I do more and more sins. remorsed only from my mind. not my action. I remained absolute in thinking that my enemy are the one that blessed treason to God. yet, i seek my enemy for the pleasure of this world. this body… these thoughts that surrounds me. what do i do with them.
I continued this journey for more time in the clock, for more time that I should have calculated. I hated other sinners and I blamed syaitan for it. I hated myself and I blamed syaitan for it. while i seek no way to prevent their whispers. I’ve shout the truest of the teachings and yet I didnt even flinched when I settled for my sins. a true hipocracy.
here I write. here i wrote. but this will be no reminder to me. I am getting weaker and weaker. by the time of the Earth. by the time of the coming. I wished not to perish before the fire. I wished more to come so I would have to seek a way that other straigth path finder seek. I wished to seek God Himself. yet my effort shows no more of my wishes. I wished my words were my prayer. and I wished Heaven for all that taught me the lesson to know such a limit existed and have endured the living.
aku jahat? yes… maybe…
maybe not as bad as you.. maybe not as worst of the living sinners. maybe not as bad that one could imagine how bad.
but yes… Jahat..
and like others.. the Holy Fire shall endure its true temper.. its patient.. so that one day it may burn me down like the rest of the occupants.. and my cry alone then.. and my cry alone today.. shall not make my tears as clear as when I came to this world.
“Forgive me!” is the wish of my mind.. will i find a way so that this body will find its own regrets?