under the watchful dream
it is ironic. when you live in such a way you would never have thought. a journey full of mysterious items embedded through what you call life. i have this tendency to not think very deeply. to not act my way of age. i know. its either im lagging before time. or im just way too old for my age. yet, i do think everything IS a hassle. something i must not dwell upon everyday. in truth, i.. for my entire life have no dream. i mean. i dream.. but i dreamt of being a superhuman trying to act cool in front of everyone. everyday. reading comics really is taking its toll eh? but this dream im talking is so much about my future. of course. i have no goal and guess what.. i dont even have the means to thrive for anything. i live my life at my current point of time. no one else in it. no one will be in it. no one were in it. its like this shimmering void trying hard to swallow me up.. whole. but i tried bit by bit not to be eaten. bit by bit, daily. and no more. as long i have this consciousness. i thought that things would be just good. enough for me ONLY. but i know i gave no impression of this attitude towards others. i show none of it to no one. they see me as i have my dream that i wanted to pursue. but. i have too many.. i’d say too much of a dream that it aint true anymore. it cannot be true anymore.
once. i had a dream to ride the wind. roaring the sky alone. then, it changed as i wanted to build my own piece of peace. designing. building. creating. and when once i had dreamt to be a good analyst. i tried pursuing it but as im living it. it is a failure. and i changed it to be a free photographer. not freelance. yes free! it ended tho. as i changed it to be a good cook. i would just say it once in the past. that i could do anything. just give me anything. i’ll work on it. and i’ll make a dream of truth. but reality covers my greatness. i am what i am. and i thought of everything as a hassle in my journey. and i kept my mind just barely inches upon a wall. JUST to get a view of something of utter beauty beyond the high mountain walls. seriously. no one wants that. but i live in it. a pre destruction of a way.
i have tried to imagine rather than dream. i have and i had. for once i believed that i could be dependable. or maybe i could depend on someone. so imagined a world of a new me. where i could share it with someone. but yes, i failed. and i try and try again. and again i failed. no.. i will not give up for such dignity i must possess. i breathe the grey air. i swallowed the salty water. i bathe in that shallow rain. i swear that i will not give up this imagination. even if it takes me all my time. i would protect it. i tried and i failed. miserably. and i will be trying again. in the future. for now.. i am just tired of seeking. for she will not appear.
i collected too many ways to depend from. and i bet my ass that my own journey will someday end me of my misery. devastation. enticing run. tempting jumps. from each step i took i would just rule a sacred part of time. when the stars just blink my existence to none. just when i hear the moon sings. every night i came to be. unbidden. but thoughtful of the day that were being created. i fell to my slumber every night trying to imagine a future path. but no. the stars will just interrupts. the sky filled my ideas. heaven and hell would bring my sleep every night. the story i read would just slip away from my fingers. the room will fell into hush of wind from the fan. bearing a life under the fitful light. i would just fade the day for the night. thinking of no future for myself.
and i started dreaming again.