see.. i told myself this would happen today.. sebab tu i insisted nak bagi jugak hadiah hari ahad lepas..
that day, her smile was so fake.. it pains me the second i saw it.. hahaha..
totally derailed my rehearsed plan.. (like always).. I wonder if she actually saw me following her..
aih.. i just hope she did not throw away that precious gift.. well at least it was precious to me..
and i hope she didnt misunderstood the card i gave her.. what i wrote in there were definitely not related to me.. it was for her, and for her only.. i wrote it when i bought the gift.. it was something not influenced by what happened after raya..
i actually took a quick glance at her fingers masa hari ahad tu.. only 1 side though (cant remember if it was the right or the left hand).. no rings on her fingers.. hahaha.. i was quite relieved.. but then again, i didnt get to see her other hand.. the ring might be on the other hand..
i remembered before raya.. before that mistake.. before my confession.. i think i remembered, every time i took a quick glance at her fingers.. cincin tu mesti bukan kat jari manis dia.. this is one of thing i noticed, when she was acting a "single" lady.. this is what convinced me that she was single.. boy, was i wrong…
then lepas raya.. she always wore the ring dekat jari manis dia.. in the attempt to push me away.. i guess she thought i didnt notice.. i ignored that sign.. at best i could and i pressed on.. hoping for a hope.. but she blocked all hope from getting out.. and i am more determined now more than ever..
I dont take indirect statements too well.. and i dive in to my own challenges too easily..
i havent gave up.. and i will not give up..
Today i blurted something i shouldnt have to one of my colleague.. damn.. i hope he wont go snooping around or just directly blurt out what i said in front of everyone.. that'll cause a huge mess (for me, at least).
and i ate quite generously during breakfast and lunch.. all that 9KGs, down the drain in a single half of a day.. i know that its my cheat day.. but i really cant control things properly can i?
Control and Commitment are two things that define my weaknesses.. especially when it involves a second party.. Amazingly, i can have control and commitment when i am alone…
Choo asked me to identify my strength and my weaknesses.. i've always known my strength: i excelled in copying. give me an example, and i'll copy things perfectly, i'll even put in some of my touches.. i'll make effort to memorize, i'll ask people many times if i'm not sure.. i'll annoy people by asking again and again..and again..
but yeah.. i have been here for nearly 9 years.. i know people, they expect me to google every answers myself when they actually knew the answers.. why not just give me the answers straight? I'll finish the job faster…
oh.. and my last year performance was so bad.. they didnt give me any increment this year.. things just gotten shittier by the day..
The thing is… i noticed everything.. every aspect of my life, of hers (even when there's a wall between us), of the people surrounding me.. still i tried to do them good, for the reward of doing good are just massive and i am not gonna shove that reward away.. but a test is a test.. and i always study late.. and like all the tests i've done.. i failed.. i passed.. and i have prevailed..
I just hope i will prevail in this test of life..