It was me
the thing about all these things that i've experienced were almost entirely because of the things i read.. whether it be from books or the internet.. there is a certainty as to why i became what i am today. and that one thing i am certain:
"losing weight boosted my confidence to another level."
I came to realize that this can be both good and bad.. it should mostly be good (if i was 100 lbs lighter). but i've had my share of feeling that it is also mostly bad.. especially to one with little to no experience as me.
while i could and did muster enough courage to pursue my rejected confession from the time of my confession towards the time she repeatedly rejects me.. i found out that i am still within my world of being shy. and that the confidence i had was temporary until i finally realized.. I wasn't there yet to be able to or supposed to be within that height on the confidence meter.
or was it because i had some external advice saying i shouldn't push my luck too far or continue to pursue my 'ambition'.
so my level of confidence suddenly plunges down to where it was before all this began.
i remembered her asking, would i have confessed to her if i didn't found out about her current complicated situation. true, i was planning to. but i think she may had a point there where it struck me dead in my thinking. what would have i done? wait? when exactly would i muster such courage to proceed with my plan? where would i get my confidence from? If i wasn't so desperate..
on the other hand. there are some of that confidence that still lingers. and i dont have an ounce of clue as to what should i do with it. should i continue pursuing a hopeless pursuit? i've known that when a girl placed her heart to someone.. it is totally shut and i cant do shit to it.. i can only pry it open with a holy crowbar. In which, i doubt i could get my hand on such a holy crowbar. meaning divine intervention lah. but yeah.. if anyone.. anyone who actually came and read this blog.. anyone.. anyone with a holy crowbar.. please lend it to me.. i promise i'll take good care of it until i pry her heart open with it. Haha..
i am still contemplating whether i should proceed. after all, who would i be if i dont give it my all? there's pride in this kinda thing, and if i could be… just like Jon Snow… hahahahaha
i just hope i wont be the one who has forgotten the face of his father.. man.. betul epic movie ni.. walaupun 1.30jam je.. gi lah tengok muvi ini. ok.. salah post.. lol. ini update kendian.. (kalu update lah)
So as i was saying, nothing came out from this head of mine as what shall i do with these extra confidence i stored in my gut. should i gave it away to another? which i find that it is kinda hard for me to do so at the moment. should i let it fades away? but my pride is keeping it stored. should i proceed to woo her? which i know will make my confidence end up in a gutter somewhere. how long? how long can i hold onto this… feeling?
the thing about me is. hate is not my forte. i dont believe in hating someone else anymore. I could dislike them, but not hate.. i have ever hated myself for being me. and i still am. and i do love her. I do. it grew louder every single day.. and with it my confidence level. gile.. i know. what chance could i have had to pursue something as hopeless as this.
i think i'll try the Ajaq's way for now.. i need to do something.. i need to…
maybe i need to cook again.. yeah.. i think i'll do that..