Draining

Dia datang balik..

It's not that it comes and go.. tapi whether aku boleh tahan or tak boleh tahan dengan perasaan tu… feelings tu still ade. By God, the feeling's actually growing by the day.
but sometimes aku boleh suppress dia. and then ade time aku takleh suppress. bile aku takleh tahan, aku cube mintak Tuhan tolong suppresskan walau sikit… most of the time, berjaya.. u know, try buat solat nawafil semua tu..

tapi ade time cam sekarang ni, dari aku bangun pagi tadi sampai sekarang aku dalam meeting ni.. perasaan ni kuat sangat.. aku nak sangat tengok muka dia. aku nak sangat berborak dgn dia. and my God, time camni aku nak sangat sentuh dia.. tapi all i can do when i see her is look away and pretend that i dont have any feelings toward her.. sakit gile hati bile kene camni.. every seconds, each moment aku tak buat pape tu.. rasa macam hati ni meletup letup.. bukan macam mercun meletup.. tapi macam bom weh..
imagine kene bombard dgn bomber plane dalam perang.. tapi non-stop.

Days like these aku takleh fokus. days like these aku takleh pikir straight. semua decision aku berterabur. hari camni aku menangis. hari camni aku carik jalan nak bercakap ngn dia. tentang ape aku nak buat.. hari camni aku nak curik dia.. hari camni paling buat aku penat.. and petang or malam kang bile aku cube distract diri aku dari perasaan ni (selalunye dgn jogging).. hari camni jantung aku sakit lebih bile jogging.

makan tak kenyang and mandi tak basah tu all bullshit lah.. tapi it's a good perumpamaan lah.. aku memang hilang fokus.. aku taktau la kalau perkara camni boleh buat someone gila.. more like, mungkin someone tu paksa diri dia jadi gila instead of being traumatized from such events..

mungkin aku boleh tahan dari jadi gila.. but GOD, penatnye nak tahan perasaan ni.. mentally exhaustive. sangat penat..

i still love you for your information Shafinaz.. mende ni tanak hilang.. jangan salahkan aku..

Fuck! Just hearing her voice makes me wanna explode…

melampau dah kegilaan aku nih

aku rasa aku tak sanggup pegi sebelah sekarang.

but aku ade keje nak kene buat… aku tanak tengok elvin buat muka "apehal mamat ni tak pegi buat keje nih?"

curse these feelings!!!!

she misunderstood.. and she blocked me..

I've been contemplating whether i should explain myself to her.. or just let it go..

football game came this morning as planned..

i decided that i wanna scout the situation later after the game, and maybe try meeting her to explain this misunderstanding when rain poured down this noon..
and my friends and i were just discussing that it was really hot this morning, there were no clouds yesterday until this morning and it havent rain for quite some time too.. the football field were dry and the ground was hard.

I was depressed, every break i had, i started thinking about her. (Good job distracting myself eh?).. on the second half break, somehow qada' and qadr just grazed my mind and i started inquiring about it in google. at this point, i was second guessing my plan.. i thought i shouldnt go… or maybe i should.

We ended the game with a huge win (yeay), even though we have limited attendance.. the game saw 1 yellow card and 2 red cards.. lol.. cam apehal ade red card dalam friendly game? tapi takpelah, since we won the game anyway..

miraculously, it rained as i was on my way towards her.. so i took it as a sign that i should not forego with my plan and that i should just let this thing solve by itself.. i hoped it would.. lest i'll be even more frustrated.. I hope someday, she'll be curious enough and ask me about it.. though i doubt that day would ever come.. lets just see what happens..

and if there are any chances i could take to explain it.. maybe i'll take that chance.. hahahaha.. who am i kidding? i'll definitely take that chance..

Frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust nye tengok dia balik tak pandang aku pun… lagi bile teringat semalam yg dia buat2 tak dengar tu.. frustnye bile terpikir dia pegi keje n balik keje dengan VP tu…

patut la dia tanak aku hantar dia balik dulu… mesti dia dah plan nak VP tu amik hantar dia balik…

FRUST!!!!!

Gagal

Tak pernah dalam hidup aku, aku rasa gagal macam ni.. aku pernah gagal FYP dulu (sebab lambat.. hahaha), and aku rasa down gile lepas head IT kate, "im failing you".. siap bergaduh lagi ngn kawan sebab dia sebuk nak suruh org tumpang krete aku so dapat gi ipoh ramai2… aku nak time alone, dia sebuk suruh org naik krete aku. dia dah la pass with flying colors sem tu.. dapat grad.. aku pulak kene extend 2 sem..
tapi ni lain, kali ni aku kene reject, assumed masih ade harapan, kene blocked/muted, kene final rejection and then dia buat2 tak dengar bile aku nak mintak final maaf.. stok finale.. hahaha.. adventurous gile perjalanan kali ni. and aku tak pernah rasa lagi hampa dalam hidup aku then hari ni.. lemah gile badan.. betul lah aku bace hadis tu, something like bile hati/minda/roh tak baik.. otomatik badan pun tak baik..

walaupun aku rasa ade side dia yg aku dapat tengok..

I really do hope dia ade walau sebesar zarah, feelings terhadap aku.. tp dia tanak happiness dari aku… langsung.

Kalah teruk aku, VP vs Halim (VP 9999 – 0 Halim)

and he doesnt even know he's battling me… aaaaaaaahhhhh! nampak tak betapa unattractive nye aku ni? hahahaha.. betapa gagalnye..

So merana la aku.. tah berapa lama nak move on.. hati nak heal..

aku nak buat mak bapak aku proud.. nak tunjuk derang aku carik sendiri.. ade usaha carik sendiri.. dapat sendiri.. nak brag kat anak2 konon aku berusaha kuat nak dapatkan mak derang..

well… khayalan semata-mata

taktau la when will Allah makbulkan doa aku utk jumpe perempuan camni lagi… bak kate Shimir, "she's presentable".. i like it.. that word mmg suits her. presentable. plus hidung yg comel and those lips.. aku taktau la nape aku ade fetish ngn hidung comel nih… sebab hidung aku buruk sgt kot.. senget. well, aku ni sumbing kot.. tapi bibir aku dah dicantumkan.. so tak berapa nampak sgt kalau tengok dari jauh..

Sampai bile rasenye aku boleh simpan perasaan ni.. rasenye kalau ade takdir dia jadi janda ke… sanggup ke dia terima aku lagi? Bukan la aku doakan VP tu berlaku pape yg buruk.. cuma… what if? what if? peluang tu tetibe datang camtu… will she give me that chance? the one im gonna wait my whole life.. will she accept me? i hope she does..
aku tak sempat nak tanye ni.. sebab aku rasa cam sangat kurang appropriate soalan ni.. sebab macam mendoakan sesuatu yg buruk kat VP tu.. I have no problem with the VP, i have no quarrel or what so ever.. i just hated him because he got to know her first.. and he made his move just a couple of months before i glimpsed her for the first time.. 2 years ago..
dont get me wrong.. the VP is a good guy, a better man than i am, he's good with socializing, semua orang praise dia kot, praise-worthy man… mmg dia baik.. with experience and skill set tahap dewa punye.. sebab tu la dia VP wei.. marketing dgn background technical dalam IT.. power tahap gaban weh..
yang aku nih pulak, unattactive, gemuk, rank 6 dah dekat 10 tahun dah.. still rank 6.. lol

A journey must end.. and it ended today on a Thursday, 26th Shawal 1438, 20th July 2017.. may Allah forgive me for my sins.. may she prosper in the hands of her beloved.. i just hope maybe.. someday… i can be her beloved too..
and semoga rezeki VP mencurah-curah lagi..

.
.
.

ps: and there is that one thing… hmmm.. cemane aku nak bgtau dia nih?

so ends another kisah dalam hidup aku.. *sigh*

kene carik kisah lain

Look,

when you're giving away hope, even a hopeless hope, you should consider a war between man and woman.
when you think a man cannot obtain certainty by staying close, you're just ignoring yourself.

The results,

are extraordinary… depending on your views. I have treated everyone nicely.. and I haven't hoped for a single return… NOT UNTIL YOU!!!!

God damn it! why te heck did i fall for your cute smiles and that freaking cute little nose??!!!!!!!!!!!

she wont even look me in the eye anymore.. am i that despicable?

sedihnye hati ni..

sebelum ni she wudda looked at me and smile.. even for a second.. and that’ll warm my heart for a day..

i want her.. but i dont want to hurt her.. why ej? why?

A man at the bus stop

Maybe it was just those words… Do i really know myself? Am I “good inside”? Am I? because, by Allah, I know I am not..

Now i have some certainty on how I bottled up my feelings… more like balloon rather than bottle.. as I kept these feelings inside this massive balloon.. it expands.. more and more. and I kept this balloon tightly inside a concrete wall.. I really did think nothing would happen.. no needle, no knife, no nuclear bomb, nothing..  would ever penetrate the walls. Thinking my ego will not break, emotions cannot handle me..

Boy was I wrong.

so simple.. so easy.. Allah sent a man to me.. he may not even be a Muslim.. he was trying to beg for some money in a form of fortune-telling.. but his words.. his words made through the walls and grazed the balloon.. 

So I lost it…

Fuck… in the middle of a bus stop.. I lost it.. 🤣🤣😂😂

maybe I’ll try not to forget what he said, maybe I can do better, I want to work hard… maybe I wont forget him (or maybe I will).. but heck.. now I know I am not that strong. Still… I’m keeping this feeling..

Plan dont tell.

Secret not a keeper.

Make prayers. Make du’a.