It was me

the thing about all these things that i've experienced were almost entirely because of the things i read.. whether it be from books or the internet.. there is a certainty as to why i became what i am today. and that one thing i am certain:

"losing weight boosted my confidence to another level."

I came to realize that this can be both good and bad.. it should mostly be good (if i was 100 lbs lighter). but i've had my share of feeling that it is also mostly bad.. especially to one with little to no experience as me.

while i could and did muster enough courage to pursue my rejected confession from the time of my confession towards the time she repeatedly rejects me.. i found out that i am still within my world of being shy. and that the confidence i had was temporary until i finally realized.. I wasn't there yet to be able to or supposed to be within that height on the confidence meter.

or was it because i had some external advice saying i shouldn't push my luck too far or continue to pursue my 'ambition'.

so my level of confidence suddenly plunges down to where it was before all this began.

i remembered her asking, would i have confessed to her if i didn't found out about her current complicated situation. true, i was planning to. but i think she may had a point there where it struck me dead in my thinking. what would have i done? wait? when exactly would i muster such courage to proceed with my plan? where would i get my confidence from? If i wasn't so desperate..

*sigh*

on the other hand. there are some of that confidence that still lingers. and i dont have an ounce of clue as to what should i do with it. should i continue pursuing a hopeless pursuit? i've known that when a girl placed her heart to someone.. it is totally shut and i cant do shit to it.. i can only pry it open with a holy crowbar. In which, i doubt i could get my hand on such a holy crowbar. meaning divine intervention lah. but yeah.. if anyone.. anyone who actually came and read this blog.. anyone.. anyone with a holy crowbar.. please lend it to me.. i promise i'll take good care of it until i pry her heart open with it. Haha..

i am still contemplating whether i should proceed. after all, who would i be if i dont give it my all? there's pride in this kinda thing, and if i could be… just like Jon Snow… hahahahaha

i just hope i wont be the one who has forgotten the face of his father.. man.. betul epic movie ni.. walaupun 1.30jam je.. gi lah tengok muvi ini. ok.. salah post.. lol. ini update kendian.. (kalu update lah)

So as i was saying, nothing came out from this head of mine as what shall i do with these extra confidence i stored in my gut. should i gave it away to another? which i find that it is kinda hard for me to do so at the moment. should i let it fades away? but my pride is keeping it stored. should i proceed to woo her? which i know will make my confidence end up in a gutter somewhere. how long? how long can i hold onto this… feeling?

the thing about me is. hate is not my forte. i dont believe in hating someone else anymore. I could dislike them, but not hate.. i have ever hated myself for being me. and i still am. and i do love her. I do. it grew louder every single day.. and with it my confidence level. gile.. i know. what chance could i have had to pursue something as hopeless as this.

i think i'll try the Ajaq's way for now.. i need to do something.. i need to…

maybe i need to cook again.. yeah.. i think i'll do that..

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Today.. I can only assume.. I can only speculate..

She is currently on leave for her birthday.. the worst thing in my imagination is that she is having fun with the vp on her brithday..

No.. cross that..
This has been playing all over my head from yesterday.. I'm imagining that she's to be married.. today! wahahhahaha.. and tomorrow i might see a gold wedding ring on her finger.

*sigh*
I really am going crazy arent I?

dah la post semua tak abis2 pasal dia..
*sigh*

I noticed

see.. i told myself this would happen today.. sebab tu i insisted nak bagi jugak hadiah hari ahad lepas..

that day, her smile was so fake.. it pains me the second i saw it.. hahaha..
totally derailed my rehearsed plan.. (like always).. I wonder if she actually saw me following her..

aih.. i just hope she did not throw away that precious gift.. well at least it was precious to me..

and i hope she didnt misunderstood the card i gave her.. what i wrote in there were definitely not related to me.. it was for her, and for her only.. i wrote it when i bought the gift.. it was something not influenced by what happened after raya..

i actually took a quick glance at her fingers masa hari ahad tu.. only 1 side though (cant remember if it was the right or the left hand).. no rings on her fingers.. hahaha.. i was quite relieved.. but then again, i didnt get to see her other hand.. the ring might be on the other hand..

i remembered before raya.. before that mistake.. before my confession.. i think i remembered, every time i took a quick glance at her fingers.. cincin tu mesti bukan kat jari manis dia.. this is one of thing i noticed, when she was acting a "single" lady.. this is what convinced me that she was single.. boy, was i wrong…

then lepas raya.. she always wore the ring dekat jari manis dia.. in the attempt to push me away.. i guess she thought i didnt notice.. i ignored that sign.. at best i could and i pressed on.. hoping for a hope.. but she blocked all hope from getting out.. and i am more determined now more than ever..

I dont take indirect statements too well.. and i dive in to my own challenges too easily..

i havent gave up.. and i will not give up..

……

Today i blurted something i shouldnt have to one of my colleague.. damn.. i hope he wont go snooping around or just directly blurt out what i said in front of everyone.. that'll cause a huge mess (for me, at least).

hadui..

and i ate quite generously during breakfast and lunch.. all that 9KGs, down the drain in a single half of a day.. i know that its my cheat day.. but i really cant control things properly can i?

Control and Commitment are two things that define my weaknesses.. especially when it involves a second party.. Amazingly, i can have control and commitment when i am alone…

Choo asked me to identify my strength and my weaknesses.. i've always known my strength: i excelled in copying. give me an example, and i'll copy things perfectly, i'll even put in some of my touches.. i'll make effort to memorize, i'll ask people many times if i'm not sure.. i'll annoy people by asking again and again..and again..
but yeah.. i have been here for nearly 9 years.. i know people, they expect me to google every answers myself when they actually knew the answers.. why not just give me the answers straight? I'll finish the job faster…

oh.. and my last year performance was so bad.. they didnt give me any increment this year.. things just gotten shittier by the day..

The thing is… i noticed everything.. every aspect of my life, of hers (even when there's a wall between us), of the people surrounding me.. still i tried to do them good, for the reward of doing good are just massive and i am not gonna shove that reward away.. but a test is a test.. and i always study late.. and like all the tests i've done.. i failed.. i passed.. and i have prevailed..

I just hope i will prevail in this test of life..

Just kill me

Now!!

Draining

Dia datang balik..

It's not that it comes and go.. tapi whether aku boleh tahan or tak boleh tahan dengan perasaan tu… feelings tu still ade. By God, the feeling's actually growing by the day.
but sometimes aku boleh suppress dia. and then ade time aku takleh suppress. bile aku takleh tahan, aku cube mintak Tuhan tolong suppresskan walau sikit… most of the time, berjaya.. u know, try buat solat nawafil semua tu..

tapi ade time cam sekarang ni, dari aku bangun pagi tadi sampai sekarang aku dalam meeting ni.. perasaan ni kuat sangat.. aku nak sangat tengok muka dia. aku nak sangat berborak dgn dia. and my God, time camni aku nak sangat sentuh dia.. tapi all i can do when i see her is look away and pretend that i dont have any feelings toward her.. sakit gile hati bile kene camni.. every seconds, each moment aku tak buat pape tu.. rasa macam hati ni meletup letup.. bukan macam mercun meletup.. tapi macam bom weh..
imagine kene bombard dgn bomber plane dalam perang.. tapi non-stop.

Days like these aku takleh fokus. days like these aku takleh pikir straight. semua decision aku berterabur. hari camni aku menangis. hari camni aku carik jalan nak bercakap ngn dia. tentang ape aku nak buat.. hari camni aku nak curik dia.. hari camni paling buat aku penat.. and petang or malam kang bile aku cube distract diri aku dari perasaan ni (selalunye dgn jogging).. hari camni jantung aku sakit lebih bile jogging.

makan tak kenyang and mandi tak basah tu all bullshit lah.. tapi it's a good perumpamaan lah.. aku memang hilang fokus.. aku taktau la kalau perkara camni boleh buat someone gila.. more like, mungkin someone tu paksa diri dia jadi gila instead of being traumatized from such events..

mungkin aku boleh tahan dari jadi gila.. but GOD, penatnye nak tahan perasaan ni.. mentally exhaustive. sangat penat..

i still love you for your information Shafinaz.. mende ni tanak hilang.. jangan salahkan aku..

Fuck! Just hearing her voice makes me wanna explode…

melampau dah kegilaan aku nih

aku rasa aku tak sanggup pegi sebelah sekarang.

but aku ade keje nak kene buat… aku tanak tengok elvin buat muka "apehal mamat ni tak pegi buat keje nih?"

curse these feelings!!!!

she misunderstood.. and she blocked me..

I've been contemplating whether i should explain myself to her.. or just let it go..

football game came this morning as planned..

i decided that i wanna scout the situation later after the game, and maybe try meeting her to explain this misunderstanding when rain poured down this noon..
and my friends and i were just discussing that it was really hot this morning, there were no clouds yesterday until this morning and it havent rain for quite some time too.. the football field were dry and the ground was hard.

I was depressed, every break i had, i started thinking about her. (Good job distracting myself eh?).. on the second half break, somehow qada' and qadr just grazed my mind and i started inquiring about it in google. at this point, i was second guessing my plan.. i thought i shouldnt go… or maybe i should.

We ended the game with a huge win (yeay), even though we have limited attendance.. the game saw 1 yellow card and 2 red cards.. lol.. cam apehal ade red card dalam friendly game? tapi takpelah, since we won the game anyway..

miraculously, it rained as i was on my way towards her.. so i took it as a sign that i should not forego with my plan and that i should just let this thing solve by itself.. i hoped it would.. lest i'll be even more frustrated.. I hope someday, she'll be curious enough and ask me about it.. though i doubt that day would ever come.. lets just see what happens..

and if there are any chances i could take to explain it.. maybe i'll take that chance.. hahahaha.. who am i kidding? i'll definitely take that chance..

Frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust frust nye tengok dia balik tak pandang aku pun… lagi bile teringat semalam yg dia buat2 tak dengar tu.. frustnye bile terpikir dia pegi keje n balik keje dengan VP tu…

patut la dia tanak aku hantar dia balik dulu… mesti dia dah plan nak VP tu amik hantar dia balik…

FRUST!!!!!

Gagal

Tak pernah dalam hidup aku, aku rasa gagal macam ni.. aku pernah gagal FYP dulu (sebab lambat.. hahaha), and aku rasa down gile lepas head IT kate, "im failing you".. siap bergaduh lagi ngn kawan sebab dia sebuk nak suruh org tumpang krete aku so dapat gi ipoh ramai2… aku nak time alone, dia sebuk suruh org naik krete aku. dia dah la pass with flying colors sem tu.. dapat grad.. aku pulak kene extend 2 sem..
tapi ni lain, kali ni aku kene reject, assumed masih ade harapan, kene blocked/muted, kene final rejection and then dia buat2 tak dengar bile aku nak mintak final maaf.. stok finale.. hahaha.. adventurous gile perjalanan kali ni. and aku tak pernah rasa lagi hampa dalam hidup aku then hari ni.. lemah gile badan.. betul lah aku bace hadis tu, something like bile hati/minda/roh tak baik.. otomatik badan pun tak baik..

walaupun aku rasa ade side dia yg aku dapat tengok..

I really do hope dia ade walau sebesar zarah, feelings terhadap aku.. tp dia tanak happiness dari aku… langsung.

Kalah teruk aku, VP vs Halim (VP 9999 – 0 Halim)

and he doesnt even know he's battling me… aaaaaaaahhhhh! nampak tak betapa unattractive nye aku ni? hahahaha.. betapa gagalnye..

So merana la aku.. tah berapa lama nak move on.. hati nak heal..

aku nak buat mak bapak aku proud.. nak tunjuk derang aku carik sendiri.. ade usaha carik sendiri.. dapat sendiri.. nak brag kat anak2 konon aku berusaha kuat nak dapatkan mak derang..

well… khayalan semata-mata

taktau la when will Allah makbulkan doa aku utk jumpe perempuan camni lagi… bak kate Shimir, "she's presentable".. i like it.. that word mmg suits her. presentable. plus hidung yg comel and those lips.. aku taktau la nape aku ade fetish ngn hidung comel nih… sebab hidung aku buruk sgt kot.. senget. well, aku ni sumbing kot.. tapi bibir aku dah dicantumkan.. so tak berapa nampak sgt kalau tengok dari jauh..

Sampai bile rasenye aku boleh simpan perasaan ni.. rasenye kalau ade takdir dia jadi janda ke… sanggup ke dia terima aku lagi? Bukan la aku doakan VP tu berlaku pape yg buruk.. cuma… what if? what if? peluang tu tetibe datang camtu… will she give me that chance? the one im gonna wait my whole life.. will she accept me? i hope she does..
aku tak sempat nak tanye ni.. sebab aku rasa cam sangat kurang appropriate soalan ni.. sebab macam mendoakan sesuatu yg buruk kat VP tu.. I have no problem with the VP, i have no quarrel or what so ever.. i just hated him because he got to know her first.. and he made his move just a couple of months before i glimpsed her for the first time.. 2 years ago..
dont get me wrong.. the VP is a good guy, a better man than i am, he's good with socializing, semua orang praise dia kot, praise-worthy man… mmg dia baik.. with experience and skill set tahap dewa punye.. sebab tu la dia VP wei.. marketing dgn background technical dalam IT.. power tahap gaban weh..
yang aku nih pulak, unattactive, gemuk, rank 6 dah dekat 10 tahun dah.. still rank 6.. lol

A journey must end.. and it ended today on a Thursday, 26th Shawal 1438, 20th July 2017.. may Allah forgive me for my sins.. may she prosper in the hands of her beloved.. i just hope maybe.. someday… i can be her beloved too..
and semoga rezeki VP mencurah-curah lagi..

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ps: and there is that one thing… hmmm.. cemane aku nak bgtau dia nih?

so ends another kisah dalam hidup aku.. *sigh*

kene carik kisah lain