as much as you are now.. what would happen if you were to abandoned these relationships you're currently having? i kinda know your relationship goes beyond just an affair (i really hope that i'm mistaken about this).. and then, you kept that 'other' relationship as though it doesn't matter when you get that affair finalized.
now i kinda realized why you said that maybe you can't handle things when i decided to approach for discussion..
damn you for being this way.. and damn me for not actually seeing and being late!!!!! Argh! damn me!
in a way, it must have been a good thing.. for me, at least.. that things end up as it is right now. i was searching for that opportunity, to finally be able to stand up under the pressure of a distraction. somehow, i found the motivation to forego my long time ambition.
yeah! i gotta admit, you're the one who triggered this motivation.. as much as i hoped that it was actually from me.. or rather maybe from a holy realization.. well, in a way.. i guess, it is a divine intervention..
i do admit it because my niat was set upon you to be by my side. but alas, though not yet, i think my niat is nothing but only for naught.
but i may still be wrong.. so just let me keep this hope within me a little longer.. my reason to cling to this hope is quite justified..
now let me justify, onto a very pressing matter i guess.. haha..
if you were abandoned or to abandoned these relationships you have.. will you ever consider giving me those hope ever again? or am i just a friend that will be forgotten someday?
i will ask you this question i've held.. and i will find a way for you to answer it..
God.. what am i doing?
i'm getting a flu infection.. slept after maghrib.. bangun after midnite and cant sleep until now.. badan dah habis berpeluh.. i'm doing something that i shouldnt be doing.. but yeah! It's freakin fun…
nah! better keep this to myself.. "if i have a secret. dont tell" lest it wont be a secret anymore..
so she knew she's a hot stuff.. ramai kot yg suke dia.. people are practically queuing to get a chance to love her.. and i just happened to skipped some line ahead by doing that mistake and confessing.. but she was already taken.
but i am getting happier.. i can see the light.. hahaha..
i still love you btw..
u know what sucks.. sucks that i noticed only bits and parts of her.. how she reacts to everyone that came to her.. the way she answers her phone.. the way she smiled when talking on the phone.. how she lowered her voices so that no one can hear her conversation on the phone.. when she giggled, lowered her voices, slowly made her way out of the office to talk privately at the corner end of the corridor.. in which case, i assumed must be 'him' who called her.. calling her every day and telling her how he misses her.. and then planned to meet somewhere after office to take her back.. (or maybe it was just her bestfriend).. but
like….. i wanna do that… me!..
ok. agak kronik gak jeles aku nih…
but yeah.. it's frustrating.. to the very core of my being.. seeing the way she moves, her.. walking slowly towards the door.. that slender freakin body moves almost as if she was sliding slowly away.. aih!
and all i can do was steal sideway glances at her from the corner of my eyes so that i wouldn't draw attention from my colleague next to me.. or from her..
i wonder if this is all that i could do? frustrating over it all my life.. unable to move on.. will i ever get my chance?
she sits just behind me.. which is ever more frustrating because i cant see her.. i wanna know if she looks at me.. or not. well, gotta have some imagination. haha..
this happens every day.. every day! when i spent the day at the side office.. in her office.. for the last 2 years..
true. I didnt know she had 'him' all these years.. not until this year's eid that is.. but i always assumed that there is someone that she talks to.. it is the only reason why i cant muster any courage to confess to her all these years.. most of all.. that damn ring! i noticed that damn ring even before all of this.. and she said she was single.. she said she was single????????
Fuck Brunei!! suckiest project i've ever done!! Fuck Me!
the thing about all these things that i've experienced were almost entirely because of the things i read.. whether it be from books or the internet.. there is a certainty as to why i became what i am today. and that one thing i am certain:
"losing weight boosted my confidence to another level."
I came to realize that this can be both good and bad.. it should mostly be good (if i was 100 lbs lighter). but i've had my share of feeling that it is also mostly bad.. especially to one with little to no experience as me.
while i could and did muster enough courage to pursue my rejected confession from the time of my confession towards the time she repeatedly rejects me.. i found out that i am still within my world of being shy. and that the confidence i had was temporary until i finally realized.. I wasn't there yet to be able to or supposed to be within that height on the confidence meter.
or was it because i had some external advice saying i shouldn't push my luck too far or continue to pursue my 'ambition'.
so my level of confidence suddenly plunges down to where it was before all this began.
i remembered her asking, would i have confessed to her if i didn't found out about her current complicated situation. true, i was planning to. but i think she may had a point there where it struck me dead in my thinking. what would have i done? wait? when exactly would i muster such courage to proceed with my plan? where would i get my confidence from? If i wasn't so desperate..
on the other hand. there are some of that confidence that still lingers. and i dont have an ounce of clue as to what should i do with it. should i continue pursuing a hopeless pursuit? i've known that when a girl placed her heart to someone.. it is totally shut and i cant do shit to it.. i can only pry it open with a holy crowbar. In which, i doubt i could get my hand on such a holy crowbar. meaning divine intervention lah. but yeah.. if anyone.. anyone who actually came and read this blog.. anyone.. anyone with a holy crowbar.. please lend it to me.. i promise i'll take good care of it until i pry her heart open with it. Haha..
i am still contemplating whether i should proceed. after all, who would i be if i dont give it my all? there's pride in this kinda thing, and if i could be… just like Jon Snow… hahahahaha
i just hope i wont be the one who has forgotten the face of his father.. man.. betul epic movie ni.. walaupun 1.30jam je.. gi lah tengok muvi ini. ok.. salah post.. lol. ini update kendian.. (kalu update lah)
So as i was saying, nothing came out from this head of mine as what shall i do with these extra confidence i stored in my gut. should i gave it away to another? which i find that it is kinda hard for me to do so at the moment. should i let it fades away? but my pride is keeping it stored. should i proceed to woo her? which i know will make my confidence end up in a gutter somewhere. how long? how long can i hold onto this… feeling?
the thing about me is. hate is not my forte. i dont believe in hating someone else anymore. I could dislike them, but not hate.. i have ever hated myself for being me. and i still am. and i do love her. I do. it grew louder every single day.. and with it my confidence level. gile.. i know. what chance could i have had to pursue something as hopeless as this.
i think i'll try the Ajaq's way for now.. i need to do something.. i need to…
maybe i need to cook again.. yeah.. i think i'll do that..
Today.. I can only assume.. I can only speculate..
She is currently on leave for her birthday.. the worst thing in my imagination is that she is having fun with the vp on her brithday..
No.. cross that..
This has been playing all over my head from yesterday.. I'm imagining that she's to be married.. today! wahahhahaha.. and tomorrow i might see a gold wedding ring on her finger.
I really am going crazy arent I?
dah la post semua tak abis2 pasal dia..
see.. i told myself this would happen today.. sebab tu i insisted nak bagi jugak hadiah hari ahad lepas..
that day, her smile was so fake.. it pains me the second i saw it.. hahaha..
totally derailed my rehearsed plan.. (like always).. I wonder if she actually saw me following her..
aih.. i just hope she did not throw away that precious gift.. well at least it was precious to me..
and i hope she didnt misunderstood the card i gave her.. what i wrote in there were definitely not related to me.. it was for her, and for her only.. i wrote it when i bought the gift.. it was something not influenced by what happened after raya..
i actually took a quick glance at her fingers masa hari ahad tu.. only 1 side though (cant remember if it was the right or the left hand).. no rings on her fingers.. hahaha.. i was quite relieved.. but then again, i didnt get to see her other hand.. the ring might be on the other hand..
i remembered before raya.. before that mistake.. before my confession.. i think i remembered, every time i took a quick glance at her fingers.. cincin tu mesti bukan kat jari manis dia.. this is one of thing i noticed, when she was acting a "single" lady.. this is what convinced me that she was single.. boy, was i wrong…
then lepas raya.. she always wore the ring dekat jari manis dia.. in the attempt to push me away.. i guess she thought i didnt notice.. i ignored that sign.. at best i could and i pressed on.. hoping for a hope.. but she blocked all hope from getting out.. and i am more determined now more than ever..
I dont take indirect statements too well.. and i dive in to my own challenges too easily..
i havent gave up.. and i will not give up..
Today i blurted something i shouldnt have to one of my colleague.. damn.. i hope he wont go snooping around or just directly blurt out what i said in front of everyone.. that'll cause a huge mess (for me, at least).
and i ate quite generously during breakfast and lunch.. all that 9KGs, down the drain in a single half of a day.. i know that its my cheat day.. but i really cant control things properly can i?
Control and Commitment are two things that define my weaknesses.. especially when it involves a second party.. Amazingly, i can have control and commitment when i am alone…
Choo asked me to identify my strength and my weaknesses.. i've always known my strength: i excelled in copying. give me an example, and i'll copy things perfectly, i'll even put in some of my touches.. i'll make effort to memorize, i'll ask people many times if i'm not sure.. i'll annoy people by asking again and again..and again..
but yeah.. i have been here for nearly 9 years.. i know people, they expect me to google every answers myself when they actually knew the answers.. why not just give me the answers straight? I'll finish the job faster…
oh.. and my last year performance was so bad.. they didnt give me any increment this year.. things just gotten shittier by the day..
The thing is… i noticed everything.. every aspect of my life, of hers (even when there's a wall between us), of the people surrounding me.. still i tried to do them good, for the reward of doing good are just massive and i am not gonna shove that reward away.. but a test is a test.. and i always study late.. and like all the tests i've done.. i failed.. i passed.. and i have prevailed..
I just hope i will prevail in this test of life..
Dia datang balik..
It's not that it comes and go.. tapi whether aku boleh tahan or tak boleh tahan dengan perasaan tu… feelings tu still ade. By God, the feeling's actually growing by the day.
but sometimes aku boleh suppress dia. and then ade time aku takleh suppress. bile aku takleh tahan, aku cube mintak Tuhan tolong suppresskan walau sikit… most of the time, berjaya.. u know, try buat solat nawafil semua tu..
tapi ade time cam sekarang ni, dari aku bangun pagi tadi sampai sekarang aku dalam meeting ni.. perasaan ni kuat sangat.. aku nak sangat tengok muka dia. aku nak sangat berborak dgn dia. and my God, time camni aku nak sangat sentuh dia.. tapi all i can do when i see her is look away and pretend that i dont have any feelings toward her.. sakit gile hati bile kene camni.. every seconds, each moment aku tak buat pape tu.. rasa macam hati ni meletup letup.. bukan macam mercun meletup.. tapi macam bom weh..
imagine kene bombard dgn bomber plane dalam perang.. tapi non-stop.
Days like these aku takleh fokus. days like these aku takleh pikir straight. semua decision aku berterabur. hari camni aku menangis. hari camni aku carik jalan nak bercakap ngn dia. tentang ape aku nak buat.. hari camni aku nak curik dia.. hari camni paling buat aku penat.. and petang or malam kang bile aku cube distract diri aku dari perasaan ni (selalunye dgn jogging).. hari camni jantung aku sakit lebih bile jogging.
makan tak kenyang and mandi tak basah tu all bullshit lah.. tapi it's a good perumpamaan lah.. aku memang hilang fokus.. aku taktau la kalau perkara camni boleh buat someone gila.. more like, mungkin someone tu paksa diri dia jadi gila instead of being traumatized from such events..
mungkin aku boleh tahan dari jadi gila.. but GOD, penatnye nak tahan perasaan ni.. mentally exhaustive. sangat penat..
i still love you for your information Shafinaz.. mende ni tanak hilang.. jangan salahkan aku..
Fuck! Just hearing her voice makes me wanna explode…
melampau dah kegilaan aku nih
aku rasa aku tak sanggup pegi sebelah sekarang.
but aku ade keje nak kene buat… aku tanak tengok elvin buat muka "apehal mamat ni tak pegi buat keje nih?"
curse these feelings!!!!
she misunderstood.. and she blocked me..
I've been contemplating whether i should explain myself to her.. or just let it go..
football game came this morning as planned..
i decided that i wanna scout the situation later after the game, and maybe try meeting her to explain this misunderstanding when rain poured down this noon..
and my friends and i were just discussing that it was really hot this morning, there were no clouds yesterday until this morning and it havent rain for quite some time too.. the football field were dry and the ground was hard.
I was depressed, every break i had, i started thinking about her. (Good job distracting myself eh?).. on the second half break, somehow qada' and qadr just grazed my mind and i started inquiring about it in google. at this point, i was second guessing my plan.. i thought i shouldnt go… or maybe i should.
We ended the game with a huge win (yeay), even though we have limited attendance.. the game saw 1 yellow card and 2 red cards.. lol.. cam apehal ade red card dalam friendly game? tapi takpelah, since we won the game anyway..
miraculously, it rained as i was on my way towards her.. so i took it as a sign that i should not forego with my plan and that i should just let this thing solve by itself.. i hoped it would.. lest i'll be even more frustrated.. I hope someday, she'll be curious enough and ask me about it.. though i doubt that day would ever come.. lets just see what happens..
and if there are any chances i could take to explain it.. maybe i'll take that chance.. hahahaha.. who am i kidding? i'll definitely take that chance..